I'll be right beside you, dear
by Starsleeper
Summary: Two months after "The Break Up", Kurt invites Blaine to the Bushwick apartment, to finally talk about what happened. (Bittersweet but hopeful ending!)


_Summary: Two months after "The Break Up", Kurt invites Blaine to the Bushwick apartment, to finally talk about what happened._

_Rated M strictly for swearing, no smut here, read my other fics if you want zee boy-sex!_

_4 warnings:_

_This is unbeta'd and probably full of mistakes._

_I haven't read all of the reaction fics yet, but there's a (high) chance that somebody else already wrote something very similar, and in a much better way._

_This ficlet is the result of my hurting soul trying to process what happened in 4x04. It's strictly therapeutic writing for me. It's not meant to be a statement or an opinion on about what should happen in canon. In other words, these are strictly my feels, and nothing else._

_Trigger warning: talk about depression._

* * *

"Hey" Blaine said, as he entered the apartment.

"Hey." Kurt breathed. "Can you… sit down?" He pointed to the ratty couch in the 'living room'. "We need to talk."

Blaine gulped and stared at Kurt before nodding. "I… yeah." He let out a nervous laugh as he sank down on the cushions. "You know… for the last two months, there's been nothing I wanted more than for you to talk to me. And now that it's actually happening… I'm scared to death. I'm terrified of what you're going to tell me."

"Yeah, well… that makes two of us." Kurt sighed, as he sat down next to Blaine. "The reason I didn't want to talk to you before was that I was so… so afraid that I might end up telling you 'goodbye'; the one thing I promised I'd never say to you." Kurt smiled bitterly. "Besides… I didn't know what to say to you anyway. Hell, I didn't even know what to tell myself. I needed time to process all of this."

"I know." Blaine nodded.

"Thank you for granting me that time." Kurt said, throwing Blaine a furtive glance, before lowering his eyes to his hands. "You know… I've been so fucking angry at you. It was like, whenever I thought about what you've done, I couldn't breathe. It felt like I didn't know who you were anymore, and I don't think you do either. I… We need time Blaine."

"Kurt…"

Kurt held up his hand, effectively shushing Blaine. "I have done a lot of thinking, and I have come to a few conclusions. Please just hear me out, okay? Please."

"Okay." Blaine's voice was laced with the sound of unshed tears.

"Okay." Kurt repeated. "First of all… Like I said; I've been furious at you. Absolutely raging mad. At first it was about the cheating. But in the end, I guess I blame you the most for making it impossible for us to be together right now. Because I mean it, Blaine. We need time away from each other."

Kurt ran a hand through his hair, and sighed deeply. "You need to figure out who you are, Blaine, and how to make yourself happy. You can't just rely on me to do that. That's just not fair, to put the responsibility for your happiness completely on _my_ shoulders. I can't carry that kind or pressure around, knowing that every failure on my part could cause you to snap and do something stupid. It's not fair." Kurt repeated, shaking his head.

Blaine seemed numb, but the slight quiver of his lip betrayed his distress, as Kurt kept talking.

"Once I realized that we needed time apart… I got even more scared and angry. Because what if I'd learn to live without you? I don't want that! You have put our relationship and our future in jeopardy, Blaine. We can't just kiss and make this better. We are going to have to suffer through this, and pray that our love is strong enough to survive. For now, we need to be Kurt and Blaine for a while, before we can be _KurtandBlaine_ again"

Blaine couldn't stand it anymore. He started sobbing in earnest. "I'm so sorry Kurt." He gasped in between sobs. "You're right." He bowed his head and cried hot, bitter tears.

"I'm not Blaine anymore." He choked. "I haven't been him for months. I was just your boyfriend… and now I'm not even that anymore."

Sniffing loudly, he wiped his eyes with his sleeve to make room for a new batch of tears. "I'm nothing… no one. I feel like I've been screaming in silence for months. And nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care. I've been so… so stupid."

It took Kurt everything not to fall apart at the sight of his broken boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. He kept silent and listened to Blaine spilling his heart out.

"I have ruined myself; but even worse, I've ruined you, and I've ruined the most beautiful thing in this world… us. Who even does that? I'm so fucking worthless. Everything about me is one big lie. I just want it all to stop… just make it go away. I'm so tired, Kurt. I'm so tired. So tired…"

With a stifled sob, Kurt pulled the other boy into his arms. "I know, honey." He breathed into Blaine's hair. They were both crying now. A few moments later Kurt took a deep, steadying breath and started to speak again.

"I know you're tired, sweetheart. And I know you've been alone. I'm sorry for that. I broke my promise to you… I told you you weren't going to be alone, and yet you still were." Kurt pulled back and cupped Blaine's face, urging him to meet his eyes. He smiled through his tears as he wiped Blaine's wet cheeks with his thumbs. "My sweet, precious boy… I'm going to help you through this. You aren't going to be alone anymore, I swear. Remember Last Christmas, when you gave me that gorgeous bow-tie ring and all those beautiful promises that went with it?"

Tears were dripping down Blaine's face. "Of course I do." He rasped.

"Well, I don't have a ring for you, but I _am_ going to make you a promise." Kurt lowered his hands and took Blaine's into his. "For the rest of your senior year, I am not going to be your boyfriend, or your lover."

Blaine let out a howling sob in answer, ripping one hand free to press it against his mouth. He closed his eyes in anguish.

Kurt squeezed Blaine's other hand as he continued. "But I am going to be everything else to you. Everything you need."

A warm smile crept across Kurt's mouth. "Did I ever tell you the story about the boy who saved me? It happened when I was at the lowest point in my life. I had never felt so alone and hopeless. And then there he was… this gorgeous, adorable boy. Like an angel sent from heaven. He became my best friend. My mentor. This boy pulled me back from the darkness; he brought me back to life… He gave me so much; helped me to grow from a sad, depressed kid into a strong, happy man. And then he gave me the greatest gift of all; his heart."

A shuddering sigh fell from Blaine's lips, as returned his gaze to Kurt's eyes.

"That boy who saved me? He's still there, Blaine." Kurt laid his palm on Blaine's chest to emphasize his words. "You aren't worthless, you aren't no one. You are the love of my life. But there's a reason we can't go back to being boyfriends, Blaine. It's not about spite, or trust, or anything like that. It's because we need to go back to the start. This time, _I_ want to be the one to save _you_, Blaine. Or better yet, you are going to save yourself, and I am going to help you do just that. That's what I'm promising. Please let me help you to get better."

"How?" Blaine whispered raggedly.

"For starters, from now on, I'll call you every day. No exception. No matter what I'm doing, I'll make time for you. I'm also going to fly back home for at least one weekend per month."

Blaine frowned. "But that's so expensive."

"I'll figure it out. No need to worry about that. And when I'm home, we're going to spend time together. We'll go for coffee, watch movies, do fun stuff… but most importantly, whether it's on the phone, or face-to-face… we will talk. There will be no more secrets, no more hiding, no more holding back. Total honesty. I've talked to my dad as well. He wants you to know that the door of our home is always open for you, if you need anything. If you need to talk, if you need a hug, or if you just want to watch a game with my dad and Finn…"

"Wow…" Blaine said. For the first time, a flash of hope appeared on his face.

"One last thing…" Kurt took a deep breath, knowing this wasn't going to be easy. "I really, really would like you to get help."

"Help?" Blaine echoed.

"Professional help. We can look into it together, if you want to." Kurt added hastily. "Blaine, honey… I'm no doctor, but I honestly think you might be depressed. And if you are, it's not something you can fight on your own. But… let's not worry about that right now, okay? We'll talk about it later. Just know that we, you and me, are going to get through this. No matter what it takes. I believe in you, Blaine."

Blaine wiped the last of his tears away. "I guess it sounds like a plan. I'm going to miss being your boyfriend though. I'm going to miss hugging and kissing you."

"Me too. But we have no choice. We can still hug, you know… just no kisses." Kurt smiled. "So… do you want to hear the final part of my plan?"

"Yeah."

"Next year in May, I'm want to attend my boyfriend's high school graduation."

Blaine frowned. "But you just said-"

Kurt placed his finger on Blaine's lips.

"I'm going to be there, I'm going to see the love of my life on that stage, accepting his high school diploma after a year that started out rough but ended great. He is going to look so happy and radiant up there, and I am going to be so proud of him. And when he walks off that stage, I'm going to go up to him and ask him if he wants to be my boyfriend again. And if he feels ready for it, he's going to say yes. And then, we'll kiss for the first time again. And after that I am never, ever saying goodbye to him."


End file.
